Choir! Choir! Choir! – Synergy in Action

If you live in Toronto, enjoy music and you haven’t yet gone to a Choir! Choir! Choir! night (at Clintons at Bloor and Christie, Tues or Wed evenings at 8pm), I highly recommend you go. It is such a wonderful, transformative experience. I have gone now several times, and I always leave amazing and inspired. If you don’t know what Choir! Choir! Choir! is, it’s a weekly sing-a-long, where you show up on any of the nights (Tues or Weds), no long-term commitment necessary, and you learn how to sing a song in three-part harmony with a group of a hundred or so people (See here). When you show up, you are directed to stand in your part, which is ‘low, medium, or high’. Within an hour, through the facilitation of funny, talented and charismatic song leaders (Daveed Goldman and Nobu Adilman), the song is perfected and ready to be recorded. It is simply unbelievable – in an hour, the group sounds amazing! If you don’t believe me, listen to their recordings – there are tons of videos on their website. For example, here’s our recording for ‘Talkin’ About a Revolution’ (I was there for this one).
I have been thinking a lot about the magic of this, how a beautifully created song, in three-part harmony, can be taught, practiced and perfected in an hour. For a goal-oriented person (who also loves music), it is incredibly satisfying! And when I thought about it, I realized that Choir! Choir! Choir! is a perfect example of the power of synergy that can take place in groups, and that synergy is making this magic happen. I define synergy as the interaction or cooperation of two or more, to produce a combined result that is greater than the sum of their separate efforts. The sum is greater than the parts. The relationship between is just as or more important, than the individuals themselves. And in Choir! Choir! Choir!, the cooperation of learning the song is between hundreds of people, coming together for a common goal.
There has been a lot written about the power of synergy in groups. In one of my favorite books “Getting to Maybe” by Brenda Zimmerman and Frances Westley, they write (p.40): “Many are awestruck when they are told that a flock of birds, a school of fish or a hive of bees is up to fifty times more sensitive to changes in its environment than any single bird, fish or bee. In other words, they can respond to stimuli, like predators or windows, much more readily in this group formation than when they are on their own.” How does this happen, that the sensitivity to environment is so much higher in groups?
I like to imagine that we are flock of birds at Choir! Choir! Choir!. The synergy that takes place is because of our intense listening. In this group, our listening senses open up, 50 or more times higher than our listening in our individual, day-to-day lives. The only way that we can learn our part in the song so quickly, is through intense listening to each other. Firstly, we are listening to the other singers in our section, to hear our part. When we don’t remember our notes, we quiet our voice and listen to the singers who know their notes. We hear the right part and we follow along. The right notes carry louder and stronger over the wrong notes. The wrong notes drop away quietly, like rain dried up in the sun. No one even feels the rain, because we are carried by the sun. Once we feel more confident in our own singing part, we listen to the other parts so we can hear the magic of harmony.
In Choir! Choir! Choir!, the act of listening is more important than the singing. The beautiful singing can only happen from the listening. It is not one person who carries the song. Or even three people. The music actually arises from the relationship between the singers, and not within the singers themselves. Like a flock of graceful birds, we collectively take flight.

Summer in a Bottle

If I could bottle summer up
The sun’s rays warming my face
The glistening water sparkling in the sun
My body floating effortlessly, weightless
Peace, pure peace in this moment
If I could bottle this up
Kids splashing and laughing
Running in and out with juicy peaches and dripping bathing suits
Not a care in the world
I would
I would open the bottle in November
To get through the cold dark nights of winter
To remind myself that seasons change and the cold won’t last forever
I would open the bottle in December
When my muscles are tight from wearing heavy coats and shivering as I run to get inside
When my skin cracks and bleeds from the cold
I would keep the bottle open in January, February and March
Waiting for the ground to thaw, keeping my eye out for the budding of flowers, the birds singing, the first signs of life again
Waiting for the summer sun to come again

I Am Back…

I haven’t written a blog post since November 30, 2015. I have thought about writing many many times in the past 8 months, and I have missed writing. I kept saying to myself, week after week, that this will be the week that I will write. But it wasn’t happening. I think I felt overwhelmed with my new job (which is amazing, I love, but the first year in a new job is always a steep learning curve!), and I just didn’t have any mental space left for writing.

But I am back. And I am committed to writing, because it is so important to my life practice. Blog writing, where the slate is wide and open, allows me opportunity to self-reflect on life moments. Life moves so quickly, often flashing by with the daily juggling of responsibilities where one can feel constantly racing to catch up. The life moments are small and can pass by so quickly, that it feels so critical to take pause and notice. When I’m committed to writing, I move slower, I mentally capture these moments like my mind is a camera. As Jon Kabat-Zinn asks in Wherever You Go, There You Are: “Can we be in touch with our own life unfolding? Can we rise to the occasion of our own humanity?” (p. 133).

Blog writing challenges me to think differently and make connections between ideas, pushing me to create new ideas or reframe old ideas from my own unique perspective. There is so much content out in ‘the cloud’, and I am constantly reading articles that interest me. A friend recently named me an ‘article hoarder’, after I showed them my extensive system of using apps (Flipboard, Pocket etc) to save articles that resonate with me. It is easy to feel insecure amidst all of this content – ‘maybe I have nothing original to say’ when there is so much being said already. But this little voice gets drowned out by my excitement for the conversation that is happening all the time on the internet, where voices are free to speak and dialogue, disrupting the boundaries that we have created in ‘the real world’ based on discipline, pedigree, age, language/culture, nationality. My unique voice is a drop in the internet ocean, connecting with all the other drops that make up the ocean.

And so I will return to writing. I will make writing a practice in my life, and I will carve out time for it. I hope you enjoy reading, and participate in the conversation when you feel moved to.

Parenting Without Punishment

Its been about 6 months that I have now consistently, consciously been parenting without punishment. And along with no punishment, no rewards either. This decision was after great struggle over the past 7 years in my relationship with my 9-year old son (yes, struggle began at the early age of 2), who is so amazing and also the most stubborn person I have ever known. I am very familiar with motivational research that shows that the ‘carrot and stick’ approach (punishment and/or rewards) is not effective in motivation, and actually, can cause the opposite effect of de-motivating people. This research is most prevalent in HR research around motivating/demotivating employees, and the research findings have been popularized by one of my favourite writers (and TED Talk speakers) Daniel Pink in his amazing and inspiring book Drive.

While many of us, myself included, know this research well, we don’t seem to apply these same principles in our parenting. And in the moment, when I am reactive and angry, it can be so easy to pull out a punishment. But, and this is the kicker, IT DOES NOT WORK. My son’s behaviour does not change because he is afraid of punishment or doesn’t want a consequence. His behaviour is in reaction to something much bigger going on in his life.

Why, even when I know this, do the punishments so easily escape my mouth? Because frankly, I have power over my 9-year old son. And I have been thinking about my power, and the (unconscious) abuse of this power in my day-to-day reactions. I came across this powerful online article by Teresa Graham Brett about ‘Adultism’ that shook me to my core – vhttp://www.kindredmedia.org/2011/11/adultism-the-hidden-toxin-poisoning-our-relationships-with-children/. I teach the Power Flower and the ‘isms’ to College Students, and I am comfortable identifying and speaking about racism, homophobia, sexism etc. But this article made me confront my own oppressive use of power in parenting: “…if we are using our power over the children in our lives, we are perpetuating injustice and oppression. We are setting children up to accept a world that is based on the more powerful controlling the less powerful.”

All of this collided with my reading the amazing book ‘Honey I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-Outs, Sticker Charts and Removing Privileges All Don’t Work’ by Alyson Schafer. This book was critical in providing concrete tools on what parenting can look like, when I am parenting without punishment. Along with the arguments above for this strategy, Schafer writes from an Adler psychology perspective, which is that children misbehave because they are experiencing a negative feeling and are communicating this. It is our job to understand what they are trying to tell us through their misbehavior, and to help them to find another way to feel positive and re-engaged in their life. Instead of getting angry with the misbehavior, Schafer encourages parents to ‘get curious’, to play the detective in understanding what is happening in our childs life.

In her book, Schafer points out that we often say disrespectful things to our children on a daily basis, not even thinking about it. Statements like: “Why don’t you act your age” or “How old are you anyways?”. Statements that serve to knock kids down a notch or too. When I really reflected on this, I realized that I was doing this, often without even thinking about it. And I wanted it to stop.

Without a doubt, parenting without punishment has been a game-changer for me, my family and my relationship with my son. It has been incredibly challenging for me to check myself, bite my tongue and not react with anger, threats or consequences. I have tried to respond with love and patience, every time. I am trying to treat my children with the respect that they deserve, every single day. And it has been eye-opening for me to notice how, even when I am so committed to parenting consciously without punishment, it can be so difficult. Especially when I am tired, or trying to get the kids out the door so we don’t miss the school bus, or when I’m trying to multi-task.

However, it has been so worth it. I saw the results right away, within 48 hours. Our family has become calmer, my son is happier and we have found a sense of peace.  When my son does something wrong, I try to find out whats going on. But I also try to honour my feelings too, which sometimes means I need to take some space. I try to name my feelings, so that my children see that modeling. I say clearly, not angrily (but sometimes sadly): “I am feeling upset by what has happened. I need some space.” For the time ever, my son, who is so stubborn and could never before admit that he was wrong, has started apologizing on his own, when he knows that he has made a mistake. This was shocking when it first happened. I had never received an unsolicited apology from him before.

And we talk a lot about what is going on. My experience resonates with Schafers argument, that there is always an underlying reason behind the misbehavior. I play detective, and sometimes its challenging because he won’t just tell me what is going on. That would be too easy. But I often find out, even if it’s the last conversation before sleep, when he is most comfortable and ready to share. His reason behind the misbehavior usually has nothing to do with me, and is often a feeling of sadness and fear of not belonging with his peers at school. Usually there is some small but critical event in his day that has made him feel insecure about his significance and self-worth in his world. And when I find this out, it is my job to simply hug him, tell him that he is so very loved and that I believe in him. And especially after those most difficult days, I like to share my favourite quote with him: ‘tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it’ (Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables).

Showing My Work…

I just finished reading “Show Your Work!” by Austin Kleon, and it has inspired me to think differently about my humble little blog here, The Ignition Condition. Kleon has challenged me to be more open, to share my process and thinking and my true vulnerable self. Just starting my blog over a year ago was a bit frightful, so I am proud of the work and writing that I have done so far. However, I have been pretty safe in this blog, sticking to my topic of ‘community and volunteer development’. While I continue to be passionate and curious about community and volunteer development, I find myself everyday thinking and wanting to write about other topics that I am passionate about and that I want to explore. So, whether in the long run, I need to change my title or tag line of this blog, for now, I’m just going to let myself be open and write about what I care about and what I want to share. I definitely know that community and volunteer development will still be a central theme, but I don’t want to feel restricted. What else am I passionate and want to write about? Parenting, parenting as a lesbian mom with a chosen ‘alternative’ family (you can read a description of my family here – http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/the-new-canada/article12913575/), parenting two boys and wrestling with the complexities of masculinity and boyhood and how to raise my boys to be amazing men. What else? Mind/body awareness, mindfulness, Buddhism/spirituality, awareness of the present, trying to live my life with integrity and passion and how I struggle in doing this every day. What else? Teaching and learning, struggling with how to teach and make impact, how learning can be transformative (or not), how to support post-secondary students to be successful and what does success mean in the long run. Lots and lots of questions surfacing here. And last but not least, music, oh sweet music…integrating music into my life, singing and writing music, sharing music with others and listening to great songs. So, who knows what this will look like, but I want to be open in my writing and see what happens. I want to explore my thoughts and ‘share my work’. Thanks Austin Kleon for your inspiration!

 

 

Happy One Year Anniversary!

“The unexamined life is not worth living” – Socrates

Today is officially the one year anniversary of my blog – The Ignition Condition. This year has flown by, and I remember starting this blog like it was yesterday. I had been thinking about starting a blog for a few years, but never got around to it – life was always too busy, and it never felt like my top priority. However, I wanted to integrate more writing into my life. I have always wanted to push the envelope on ideas and perspectives, and question what seems commonplace. As an avid reader, I know that ideas and writing holds great promise for change and transformation. And I have always wanted to be a small part of that change.  The top highlight of my career so far was writing and publishing the article “Questioning Volunteer Management”, which 7 years later, still resonates out in the world, and I still receive feedback and response from readers. The ripple effect of writing this article has surprised and delighted me, and has solidified my commitment to write.

But it was attending Marilyn Herie’s Centennial Learns workshop on “Blogging for Reflective Practice” that set the fire under me, to stop with the excuses and just do it. Thanks Marilyn! And so I started blogging quietly, at first not telling anyone about my blog and just making sure that I really wanted to take on this commitment, and that I could keep up the discipline of writing on a weekly (ish) basis. As I became more comfortable with it, I figured out how to post through Facebook and Twitter, and some people are reading my blog! It is very exciting to know that people are reading and reflecting on my writing, especially when I have had comments from people I don’t know. Its like when I was a child blowing milkweed out in nature, and the fluffs would fly everywhere, being carried by the wind. I write and when I put it out on the internet, the words and the message is carried to wherever it is meant to be.

    As I thought about this post, I realized that blogging has truly been an act of ongoing reflective practice. People have asked me how I come up with ideas of what to write, and my answer is that I am always thinking about it. This blog is now in the back of my mind every day, and in my day-to-day interactions, I reflect on themes that I could write about. This has become my ongoing reflective practice, both in my mind as I go about my day-to-day life, and then when I sit down to write. I actually have an ever growing list of topics that I want to write about, and the list gets longer and longer! And the writing process itself is funny. When I write a post, I just need to write until it is finished. And I never know how long that will take. Sometimes the words flow out so quickly I can’t write fast enough, and I write the post in 30 minutes or less. It feels easy. And sometimes I struggle with every word and have stayed up far too late grappling with putting my ideas into words, determined to finish and publish before I hit the sheets. And it feels really hard (and I question myself – is this worth my lack of sleep? The answer is yes – it sure is).

In reviewing what I’ve written this past year, I also can see that my interests have changed. A year ago, I mostly wrote on the topic of volunteer development/engagement, and now, my topics are more in the area of community development/engagement and civic engagement / political participation. I am also writing about teaching/learning and anti-oppression/power dynamics. While I had an idea of what area I would focus on when I started the blog, I also have allowed myself to be free in following my interest and exploring different themes and topics. I see my blog as not just my published writing, but also as my ‘sketchpad’ to think freely about different areas that I am interested in. While my posts may not be as focused on ‘community and volunteer development’ as I originally imagined, I think there are clear themes that thread through the posts.

So what are my goals for my blog this second year?:

-Keep writing! I used to try to write once a week, and I’m not sure if I can keep up with this, but one every two weeks will be my minimum goal.

-Do a better job responding to my readers who comment! I must admit – I have done a terrible job of responding to reader comments, so if you are reading this, I am sorry. I do feel so appreciative of the interest and comments, so I need to express this better.

-Track/tag my themes in my posts – I haven’t yet really used the tagging function, but I want to do this, so I can group my posts in themes and see what areas I want to ‘dive deeper’ into.

And as a little ‘teaser’, here are some of my upcoming blog posts that I’m thinking of writing:

-Teaching the Power Flower – What Message are we really delivering?

-Millennial Civic Engagement – Stats that bust the ‘apolitical’ stereotype

-Social Exclusion Continues to be Standard Practice in Volunteer Management – Where is the Dialogue?

…and more.

Happy Spring!

Happy New Years! (One Day Early…)

I thought I’d blog tonight because I know I’ll be caught up in the festivities tomorrow. New Years Eve is always special – it’s the anniversary of when I met my soulmate, at a big crazy New Years Eve party 15 years ago tomorrow. I was smitten at first glance and she didn’t give me much notice while I followed her around all evening, until I spilt wine on her and professed my feelings…and the rest is history. After 15 years, we have so much to be thankful for – our health, our two beautiful boys, and our community of friends and family.
 
I do enjoy making New Years Resolutions, to commit or recommit myself to practice in my daily life. In the spirit of sharing, here are my resolutions for 2014, broken into Daily, Weekly and Monthly:
 
Daily:
Be thankful
Be authentic – live my values
Be present  
Commit to family time, where we are all together without purpose but to simply spend time together
Be open to change and possibility
Eat more fruits and veggies
Move my body
Weekly:
Blog
Make a date with my guitar 
Monthly:
Consciously connect with a loved one who I don’t see often
Read a novel
 
Happy New Years my dear friends and family, and I look forward to all of life unfolding in 2014!